Today's Quote

"The best students get the hardest tests."

~Iyanla Vanzant

Chile, she's preaching to the choir.

Jane Fonda's Aha! moment.

Photo: Getty Images

 The actress, activist, and author of the new book Prime Time was always afraid to be without a man. Until one breakup taught her what real intimacy requires.

I always had a penchant for falling in love. Every time I found myself without a mate, I fell into a state of low-sizzling panic. I was so devastated by my second divorce that I had a nervous breakdown. That was when Ted [Turner, Fonda's third husband] first asked me out. But in January 2000, when Ted and I separated, something felt different.

Right after we decided to part ways, Ted flew me to Atlanta to stay at my daughter Vanessa's house. She was in Paris, so I spent my first two weeks at her house alone. In the past, I'd always tried to stay busy to avoid hurting, but this time I knew I needed to be still for a while. So I raked leaves in her yard, read, and went for long walks. On my third day there, I was in a tiny bedroom with my golden retriever, Roxy, when suddenly it hit me: "I don't need a man to feel whole." In my marriages, I'd lost parts of who I was because I was trying to mold myself into what I thought a man wanted me to be. But in that moment, I felt all those pieces flying back together.

After that, nine busy years passed without a relationship. I wasn't even looking. Instead, I worked on myself. I thought about what I wanted to continue with, and what I wanted to change. I discovered a new métier in writing, and published my memoirs. When I was finished, I was a lot clearer about who I was. I knew with more certainty that there was a "there" there. That bolstered me.

In 2009 I heard that Richard Perry, a music producer I'd met years ago, wanted to reconnect with me. I was excited. I thought, "I'm not looking to get married, but this could be fun." And it is.

At 73 I'm essentially shacking up—and I wouldn't have it any other way. I recently made two movies; I'm writing; I go away by myself. I have my own life, and Richard doesn't care that I don't share every single aspect of it with him. I'm not losing myself in this relationship. I'm bringing myself—the real Jane—and he's giving me his real self, too. Richard and I have an emotional intimacy I've never experienced before, because we're both coming into this relationship whole. We don't censor ourselves, or leave what we think may not be good enough outside, on the porch.

I don't know what will happen this year or next—where I'll be living or where our relationship will be. But that doesn't terrify me the way it would have years ago. I have a confidence about my life that comes from standing tall on my own two feet.

(This excerpt was re-printed from Oprah.com.)

How I Got Over...

Five years ago I left my corporate career behind and set sail on what I imagined would be a transformative journey (I didn't know how life-changing it would be.) I felt strong, cool and rebellious, moving from Corporate America and my high rise apartment in NYC to a single studio in London while travelling the world and studying. People would be in awe of my courage for I was doing something most wouldn't. (I hope you see where this is going). I considered myself to be a baad chic!

A year into my sabbatical, I started acting out; spending my life savings with no regard to generating future income. I kept saying "live in the moment". The mere mention of going back to work gave me the heebie-geebies. Work was for the faint at heart, working a 9-5 (or 7-7 as had been my pattern) was for suckers. I was a disinterred artist who roamed the streets of Europe by day and partied at night, then bragged about it to those following my blog at the time. Hey, I had a story to tell and people who wanted to read so I had to create a life. 

Friends  encouraged me to slow down; reminded me that I was pretty loose with my finances. They saw the train-wreck before it happened. But I didn't hear them. Actually, I did hear them but I interpreted their advise as envy (it's amazing the stories we allow ourselves to believe when in denial).

When life got too hard in Europe, I decided to run to LA- the home of the famous. Surely, LA could feed my inflated ego. And initially it did. The day I moved here. I purchased my dream car: a brand new, red, convertible Jeep Wrangler. It was a perfect accessory to my big Blonde fro'. I was the Shizz!!! I'd ride around in that car, top down and watch people watch me. Inflated ego-remember?  I should also add that I still refused to get a job. DAS-Delusional Artist Syndrome. I wanted to say, "I'm an artist" and hear it sound cool but didn't want to live the artist life. Artist don't buy brand -new Jeeps, live in luxury apartments and dine on Katsuya weekly. Artist sacrifice, get creative with their acquisitions and live for the idea of exploring their creativity. I lived for what I could achieve. By the way- there never was a strong identity with any particular art form. I tried photography because my brother was great at it, I attempted painting because it's just so groovy to be paint- splattered in overalls while coloring on a wall and writing was just so mature. Not to say that I wasn't good at any of the previous options. In fact, the more I practiced these forms, the better I became. But, again, I wasn't practicing for the love of the medium. I was practicing for the image. No pity here-just keeping it real with my thought process at the time. 

A year into LA I lost it all. The luxury apartment in We-Ho became a one room studio in Hollywood (that I shared with a friend for awhile). The beautiful, Red Jeep became public transportation in Los Angeles. Surprised? I didn't think so. I finally accepted that it was time to get a job. But again, I denied my true talent and refused to marry corporate America so I was not applying for full-time work. When people looked at my resume, they wondered why I was applying for such a position when surely I was skilled in a role with triple the responsibility. I kept my misguided story, "I want to explore something that will allow me to create outside of work. My artistic endeavours come first in my life and I wouldn't want to sacrifice them." Not true - I just wanted to go to the Farmers Market on Sundays and profile. Still living that lie.

I had to hit rock bottom before I decided to face myself. And everyones rock bottom is different. Mine didn't come when I lost the money and all the stuff. My rock-bottom came when I lost the most beautiful relationship I'd ever had. 

For the first time I had someone tell me to look within. And as the story goes, what I saw made me cringe. It was all about public perception. I kept accumulating things and people to keep my image intact and eventually took on a persona that was worlds away from who I truly was. If you would peek inside, you'd see a mass of confusion, like that movie, The Joneses with Demi Moore- great portrayal of the truth vs. the stories we tell.

While suffering for a few years, falling even harder once I saw myself and loosing someone that I treasured dearly (I realize that I never lost this person. They simply had a message to deliver and even if the pain seemed unbearable-the joy of confronting oneself is worth every tear) I have come back home where my heart has always been, where truth resides and where I can be real about my talent in all areas of life-including Corporate America. 

I've accepted that I'm a Diane Von Furstenburg wrap dress and sometimes a Harley Davidson biker boot and that's OK, but it takes a J.O.B. to afford either. I've also stopped the illusions; strip mall sushi is good and Katsuya has a wonderful happy hour. I enjoy photography but since selling my cameras when I went broke, I haven't practiced. Painting is therapy and Writing is my release. I'm talented in many areas of life and denying any for the sake of "The Story" is unfair to the world and to myself. Life is simple now. I am able to relax into the person I know myself to be sans ego and watch as joy and wonder unfold from a place of truth.

Thanks for reading.

Homecoming

There comes a point in our lives when we abandon any misguided attempts to be other than who we are. Embracing the fullness of oneself is oh, so liberating. Living beyond the mask is a direct path to happiness. 

For a long time, I suffered from attempting to be what I wanted or who I wanted as opposed to who I am. Today feels like a Rebirth. 

I Love this quote:

God is at home; It is we who have gone for a walk.
-Meister Eckhart
 

Welcome home.

Note to self...

Each of you that takes the time to pop into this space and journey with me on this path of self-discovery (then returns for more) is in my thoughts this lovely, hazy morning. Thank you folks. My randomness has been a trademark since my youth. Thoughts dance about my head and it's necessary to get them out or they'll remain influx forever.

After deep reflection, I've come to understand the unrest in my head as it's been expressed in my life. The battle with what to do when I grow up or the desire to be in a healthy relationship have been suffocating thoughts for quite some time. The shift has finally come and with it clarity. But it hasn't come in the way they would depict on television or The Secret movie. No, my reality didn't knock on the door in the form of a new red bike.

My clarity came through getting still. Meditating. Frequently listening to the unknown has provided me with answers to the questions I didn't know I had. I thought that you had to do to receive, I've since realized that it's the not-doing that provided answers. Let me clarify. Not doing as in...not holding on or fearing. We all must get out there and live our lives, but not through force (as I had previously thought). Its no wonder I kept hitting the wall. A beautiful soul encouraged me to try trusting instead and I didn't listen for a few years, but when I did... it made a world of difference and you guys are seeing the results of that work.

I'm on a wonderful new path. Using trust as my guide. And my new rule, "No Suffering". 

I swear I could tattoo this statement all over my body. Suffering is a choice we all make. That's been the biggest lesson of all...choosing not to suffer. 

I'm living with a confidence the world saw, yet I didn't. Remembering that "I'm worthy". Most importantly, I have new eyes and open ears. I love it to. I do.

Table for one please.

People who are new to enlightenment run a fine line between appearing pompous and becoming distant. When we (we as in any of us) step into our true nature and break down those false walls, we are so filled with freedom that we forget how long it took us to get there. We subconsciously slide into judgement and begin to "preach" to others heading down a path we've crossed.

I recently had dinner with a few friends. One friend- like myself has been studying the teachings of Marianne Williamson and A New Earth. A few hours into dinner, the conversation turns to one of the guys and his apparent "co-dependent" behavior. As we start speaking to him, I realized that the two of us were ganging up on him; making him very uncomfortable. He was embarrassed and in an instant I noticed that we were playing a high & mighty and judging this beautiful soul. I started to question how I was showing up. More than that: what authority did I have to attack someone in this way? Immediately, I stopped and decided that I needed to be about my business and get out of his. 

I then fought the tendency to feel bad and beat up on myself for the treatment toward him. I apologized and realized that this was yet another lesson for me:

Self-Awareness and growth is a wonderful tool for advancement. However, I must be careful not to project my residual fears (and self-appointed daggers) onto another person. Each of us finds our way when we, individually, find our way. And no one can be forced into the process. 

Eureka

I'm about to tell you a true story. It's not that serious so I really don't know why I've started this entry with this tone. But away we go... (which was a great movie. Have you seen it?)


I awoke today and as if someone was whispering in my ear I heard, "This is what you want to do." A serene comfort quickly followed and I knew, yes, writing is indeed what I want to do. My next thought was a quote from Oprah's final episode. 


She had so many nuggets there but the one I'm speaking of is about the whispers we hear yet choose not to acknowledge. We all experience them. Well, peeps, this morning my whispers were yelling to me... LOUDLY!


I go about my morning, check email on my phone without getting out of bed and what do I see? A friend sent me an email that says, "Your Whispers Speak Volumes." (That's the part where I'm telling the truth here.) Can you say...CREEPY! But it really wasn't. It was the whisper that if I chose not to listen, would quickly become a brick upside my head.


After making my morning tea and procrastinating about whether to mediate before continuing to check email or not, I decided to sit and review the remaining emails. I usually try to meditate before getting into the fuss of the world in an effort to prepare myself for what's to come, but another goodie in my inbox was a HuFFPOST notice that an author I follow posted a new article. Great, an excuse to sit in front of the computer longer!


Kristi Anderson's latest article is called How To Cope with Life's Chaos. It's a quick read but what I found most significant was halfway through the article she speaks of...you guessed it, "The Whisper." (Am I in the Twilight Zone or what?!?) 


Here's her quote:


"When I take time to allow space for and articulate my inner whisperings, as one commenter put it, I feel more liberated than vulnerable. "


So ladies and gentlemen, I have been awake for under an hour and I know exactly what my theme for the day is: listen to the whispers. My whisper was an answer to a question I have asked for years, "What am I gonna be when I grow up?" And yes, I am closer to 40, but hell, I'm still growing up. In fact, Toni Morrison, Paulo Coelho, Henry Miller, Laura Ingalls Wilder and many others all published their first books well into their 40's. I digress...


Since my surgery it's become obvious that change is on the horizon. My dreams have been pressuring me to finally bring them to life. Naively, I've sat here and asked "What is the dream?" Duh! The dream has always been the same. Write. The fear has made me believe that I can't. Being here has been a wonderful blessing in disguise. The key now is to hold onto truth. The difficulty for me (and maybe you as well) is to NOT compare myself to anyone else, to know and believe in my talent and realize that I have an authentic voice. I've been writing since I can remember-it used to be called journaling. A friend recently told me that reading this blog is like peeking into my journal. I looked at her crazy. Really? I hadn't thought that...but...I guess? I haven't even shared all the grit of my life, I'm saving that for juicier times. Ha! 


I've always dreamt (that's a weird word: dreamt) of writing books. But what book is there to submit, if I haven't taken the time to write. Another reality bite...write less to get published and more because it's the thing you have to do. That's another whisper, but I hear it this time, like thunder, I hear it. 


And now...I'm off to meditate. 


Have a happy Wednesday wherever you are in the world!

What you see is what you get

Because I am not physically ready to get back into Adams amazing yoga class, I've been taking longer meditation moments. It's the first thing I do when I awake. I don't use a traditional approach. In fact, more often than not, my practise involves praying and visualizing in addition to sitting still. Even my time-frame isn't consistent. As much as I try to dissolve it, sometimes the monkey-mind (which is the chatter that appears in mediation) takes center stage. I used to fight it or stop my meditation when thoughts took over. I've since learned to allow it its space. When I do, the chatter quickly subsides, and that, my friends is our lesson for the day.

Just as with the monkey-mind, in all aspects of our lives, when we allow them their space, be it anger, sadness or frustration, they eventually dissolve. It's akin to giving a child his moment of crying, kicking and screaming. Because they expect resistance the tantrum immediately ends when they see you are not fighting it. As with most things in my life, it's a constant practise and this past week has been a battle. My pain-body has been surfacing, I see it as an unbalance within. Something in my core has gone array forcing me to see only the darkness. Theres the rub.

You choose the way you want to view the world. Even if things appear as they've always appeared, you choose what to see. In the choosing, we can make the change happen. I'm learning to believe in miracles again. I'm learning to believe in people and human kind once again. But this is only "real" because I'm learning to believe in myself again.

Through mediation, breathing and focusing on truth, I'm learning to see the world beyond my ego and the sneaky pain-body.

The Wake-Up Call

At different times in my life, I've seen myself in different ways. I've been a daughter, friend, student, girlfriend, executive, artist, vegetarian, writer, personal trainer, spin instructor, painter...yet my self is much more than the roles I've played.

Self: A persons essential being that distinguishes them from others, esp. considered as the object of introspection or reflexive action.

I would like to add truth, spirit and Universal alignment to this definition. Divine guidance and the understanding of what brings me joy and makes my heart patter all exemplify the true nature of ones persona. 

So what happens when we deny self? Most of us aren't taught to celebrate and nurture ourselves. Instead, we are taught to sacrifice ourselves for the sake of others. We are encouraged to conform. How many times, as a child did you hear, "Don't be so selfish?" It becomes engrained in our psyche and this is how we lead our lives; putting everyone above ourselves, making everyone comfortable except ourselves, and fulfilling the needs of others before ourselves. Many of us have internal beliefs of not being good enough, or deserving. I know I certainly have.

Today, I'm finally heading the wake-up call that's been present in my life for quite some time. It took the fibroids (and the subsequent surgery then recovery) for the message to finally hit. I've been on a self-destructive path for a long time. The self-destructive behavior has expanded as had the fibroid symptoms. 

Marianne Williamson, in her eloquence, has a wonderful way of stating that all areas of your life are connected: jobs, relationship concerns and health. That was certainly the case for me. I was holding onto a relationship that had, long- ago become self-destructive. Work was OK, but not what I desired to wake up to everyday. I would walk around appearing to be joyous, yet fear was ruling my every moment. 

Many studies have been performed on fibroids and one doctor in particular sums it up so honestly. I feel that he was using my life as an example. Here's what he stated, 

"the baseline energetic pattern which results in fibroids are related to blockage and stagnation of the energy of the second emotional center. Woman are at risk for fibroids (or other pelvic problems) when we direct our creative energy into dead-end relationships that we have outgrown."  

Given that 20-50% of woman in the US have fibroids (and more if we include other pelvic problems) a lot of creative energy is being blocked and misdirected. Yet most of us don't have the support to explore this energetic component to make changes in our lives which honor us. We are busy taking care of others or "trying" to make this or that relationship work, in spite of ourselves. We don't give life to our creations because we have been taught that it is selfish to take care of ourselves. Unfortunately, we don't have support in listening to our inner guidance and honor our DIVINE selves. 

Louis Hay says fibroids and other female problems can be caused by "denial of the self".

Many of us don't know any other way. Self-denial has been accepted and passed down through generations. It takes courage to go against the norm and start to honour and nurture ourselves. 

My denial continued even as the messages grew louder. I didn't decide to make (or accept) the changes in my life until I had no other choice. My choice for the future? Listen to the messages. Nurture myself and be true to myself. This is a new path, one I have not traveled before. Although old fears and beliefs will try to drag me back into my old ways of denial, I am committed to learn ways of releasing the old fears and finding ways to support my choice to honor myself. 

Most of us don't realize we have so many of the same pains, doubts and fears. We have no one in our lives that is completely honest with us, even when it doesn't feel good to hear what they are saying. Good friends don't co-sign your Bullshit. Good friends call you on your shit, encouraging you to be better. 

When the feelings of aloneness reappear- as they certainly will- it is my hope that we find someone to share with and reflect to us our true selves. It is my hope to find a new way of being in the world, leaving a legacy of honor instead of denial. 

Faith

This is one of the most powerful words in the world. I used to "think"  I had a bundle of faith. I would go to church every Sunday, pray at night and I didn't use curse words. (I'm serious about that last bit). It wasn't until I grew older and began experiencing many tough emotional lessons that I recognized I wasn't practicing faith. I was, instead saying I had faith but living in fear. 


I had to fall hard before I would understand that I was never alone. Years of tears and trying to force someone or something to be who I thought they should subsided. I began to care less about them and to walk with the firm understanding that I was/am OK. Better actual...I Am Living a wonderful life!


I may not have the relationship, car or house of my dreams...YET. BUT I have a FULL life, vital health and super good people in my corner. Most importantly, I let go and the Universe zipped right in.


To get there I practised the following approach to life...


1) Listen to What YOU Say. Often we speak from a victim perspective, always blaming, pointing the finger or doubting. Words are super important. My words would consist of being unloved or forgotten or not respected. It wasn't until I realized that I was living in this space that I finally broke free and changed the course. Once I did, all things began to fall into place. It's been a beautiful struggle. As I'm approaching the other side...the person everyone thought was so happy FINALLY is! Yes, Yes!


2) STOP TRYING. You already have everything you need, stop gripping and forcing things to be the way you think they should be. Allow the process to unfold...and it will. Set It Free!


3) Mediate. This could be yoga, a walk, exercise or the old school format of sitting in silence. Whatever you choose, make it a habit, watch your breathe and quiet the mind enough to listen to what comes in. I promise, a lot will come out. Guaranteed. 


4) Remember the human being in front of you. This is a full statement enough. How you treat the bank teller and supermarket employee is paramount to how you will be treated. Walk with the knowing that every human being wants to be heard & loved. When you are feeling moody or tired and there's a human in front of you, step out of yourself for a moment and listen to him. It's powerful.


These four things helped me turn over a new leaf and I see the results. Feeling these results makes me want to continue my practise. I'm excited about the person I'm sure to unveil.

Damn Near 40!

There is something to be said of wisdom. I have a friend who is in her late twenties and she thinks she knows it all. That's the thing about the twenties...they hold a naive fearlessness. I find it amusing to watch and listen to her. I can't wait until she's my age and reflects back on herself. Oh the laugh she's sure to have. That's what happens...in your thirties you look back and cringe at your gullible twenty-something behaviour. 


The early thirties could best be described as the time of transition. Growing out of the twenties can be a world wind. You begin to vacillate between who you used to be, to thoughts of who you "should" be. I personally spent five, tough years in this stage. I left a lucrative career behind with big dreams of grandeur. I started floating through life with a very blase attitude and living recklessly. I call it my rebellion moment. And boy was I spiralling! It wasn't until I crossed the 35 hump (36 to be exact) that I learned to stop trying so hard and start appreciating the wonder surrounding me.


Each of us is different. We don't all follow Erikson's Stages Of Development in complete sequence. Some people move effortlessly from one stage to the next. (Not many people, after all, everyone, at some point faces trials.) As I draw closer to 40, I'm excited about the changes I see in myself. The strength that I've prayed for, I now feel peeking through. I see it in my friends as well. The stages of life are amazing when you sit back and allow life to proceed. No over-analyzing...just enjoy the ride!

Hey Girl

I'm a Girlie-Girl. I love make-up, perfume, scented candles, bubble baths by candle light, flowers, birthday surprises, anytime surprises, Anthropologie, pretty lingerie -but not thongs, romantic dinners by candle light, kisses on my neck, a gentle rub on my leg and hand-holding (but only inside- NOT walking down the street...blah).


I'm writing this because I had an epiphany. A powerful one...I am a woman and I am so happy to be a woman (even with the hormonal casserole, churning inside me). As I climb closer to forty (I'm a few years away) and as I experience various levels of heartache, I'm reminded of my feminine power.


My mother and I recently had a conversation where we were speaking about the strength of my best friend. With all that she has endured and concurred, my mother went onto say that S - my bff, was tough. She stated, "You're not tough, you are courageous, but not tough" meaning me. Hmm...this uneasily sat with me for awhile. My ego was bruised as I considered her theory. Until it hit me. 


I cry privately and publicly, I laugh (alot), I live in optimism and I am insanely extroverted. Most notably I am emotional and I wear it on my sleeve. Considering this, I can see how my mother and many others would generate the theory that I am not tough. Tough isn't the first word you think of when you think of me. But don't get it twisted...


It may take me awhile to get there, but when I have to be tough and take a stand for myself...I DO! However, I lead with romance and fairly tales, I believe in happily ever after and I get school-girl giddy when I have a crush. I speak with my hands, I am touchy -feely when in conversation and I think being in Love is a wonderful feeling...especially during the bad, I- can't- stand- you- right- now- but- I- can't- leave- you- right- now times. 


I have had my heart broken for loving too hard and I used to hate myself for it. I've finally accepted that when it's the right person, they will be open to what I have to offer. I've also learned that when they aren't...don't waste your time and allow them to make you feel small. Very hard lesson.


Now tell me I ain't tough!

Universal Alignment

I believe in Universal Alignment. I believe in a master-plan that's larger than we could even imagine. Over the past few weeks, I've witnessed well-deserving people in my circle, come extremely close to realizing a dream, only to then be disappointed when said "desire" withdraws. It breaks my heart as I see their hearts crumble.


While I watch them in despair, I marvel at their confidence, self-awareness and bravery. The individuals I speak of are so focused on their dreams that I, who sit in awe of them, almost want to whisper "hold on, your miracle is right around the corner." However, I know that this is the last thing they want to hear right now. They want answers, solutions and...gigs! (Let's keep it real.)


The multiple opportunities to fulfill their dreams are on the way. I want to shake them and remind them of Cinderella, or Snow White, or Dorothy from the Wiz. Hell, I could just remind them of my life adventures.


I could tell them about the many great Love's I've had that I thought, for sure would last forever. I can tell them about the heartache I experienced each time a lover walked away. And I can remind them of my financial struggles, how I just couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. 


I, to, hated to hear "It'll get better." Oh, that's the worse thing you can say to someone in despair! It'll get better isn't putting money in anyone's pocket today or actualizing a dream (so we think). It'll get better are just words people say. I so get i!


In truth, IT WILL GET BETTER. Dark days are meant to make us appreciate the light. Everyone experiences them. I am finally at a point where I get it: My plan really is limited. God's plan, is vast. Why not let go and trust that?


Letting go is tough. You still experience pain and a world of the unknown. Tears continue to flow and frustration is insistent. But letting go, is sometimes the only thing you can do. This was my biggest lesson.


I thought my last relationship was "The One." Together we were dope. Our chemistry was perfect, we enjoyed a lot of the same things, we were spiritually connected...I could go on. But when this relationship went sour, I did everything to hold on, in spite of myself. And dark days became darker. My moment of clarity came like a big gulp through a skinny straw; it choked me! 


At that moment, I stepped out of my self-loathing and decided that I hadn't lost anything and I let go. It was a beautiful relationship; I gained so much more. And that's what I want to tell my folks who are going through right now. But I can't. 


I can however, keep a watchful eye as their miracles unfold. They may not feel it, but I can feel their shift. Just as some of you out there felt mine. Thanks for the prayers...Pass It On!

Super Rich- Russell Simmons

I saw Russell Simmons on an interview recently and...yeah...I was hooked. His spirit seemed pure and if a man that rich is gonna write a book giving me advise on how to get where he is...I'm all In!

This book'll be on my lap as I recover and I'm sure i'll come out richer after reading it. Ha

I also, love the fact that Russell is a yogi. My kinda guy! 

I'll let ya know how it reads.

Coming Soon...

Chameleon Moon Radio!

Stay Tuned...

Back To The Future

I almost ran.


Over the past few weeks, I've been confronted with scenarios that have me emotionally trembling again.
And I wanted to run.
Get away and hide from it all.


Like the groundhog, I wanted to appear again where the signs would point to better days.
I just wanted to run.


I spoke to friends, listened to some but became angry with others as they would point out that I appeared to be running.
And still...I wanted to run.


What am I here for?
What's my purpose?
Why is this happening again?
Who understands me?


Questions vibrating in my head.


Signs of loneliness peeked in.
And I momentarily allowed the ego to guide me.


But then...


An Angel grabbed my hand, clutched it tightly and held a mirror to my vibrant reflection.
Meditation & Prayer became my course du jour.
Faith was my guide.
And I no longer wished to run.


I realized that the desire to run was actually less than in the past.
The panic that once engulfed me for years now holds a shorter life expectancy.
And fear is quickly being trampled by Love.


And the running has finally...stopped.


I breath a long sigh of relief.
And finally understood.
That I was running from myself.

Marianne Williamson

For the past few weeks R and I have scurried to Hollywood each Tuesday evening to catch the amazing Marianne Williamson speak. I became hip to Marianne a few months after moving to LA (2007). From the moment I initially heard her, I knew that this little woman was onto something.


Marianne can be described as a spiritual advisor, political activist and even therapist, although my personal title for her is "Defender Of Love." I'm a huge fan of self help and spiritual evolution, but when I listen to (or read) Marianne, I'm taken to that ever so necessary next level. 


Marianne speaks from the principle of the book, A Course In Miracles. She doesn't deviate and she always, always brings her topic back to Love. What I appreciate most about her is the transparency of which she speaks.


She gives detailed examples of many of the struggles of life and is open to sharing personal examples of triumph. She is best know for the following quote. In fact, I knew this quote before I knew that she was the author:


Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.


The quote has been attributed to Nelson Mandela, although as she will point out, that's an urban myth. Nelson Mandela never used this quote in anything. She'll likely be defending this fact forever...but, hey, there are certainly worse things one could be defending.


I've recently stumbled upon her first book A Return To Love and it's quickly become one of my favs. As many of you know, last year, I studied A New Earth and while I appreciate Eckardt Tolle's genius, I definitely relate more to Marianne. She uses examples and scenarios that I, myself have experienced. Well, so did Eckardt... especially with that pain body stuff. Oh well, they're both amazing. Let's keep it there..no comparing. However, I also used to be a huge proponent of The Secret and I now see this as not solely the end opportunity. Lacking from The Secret was a focus on God & Love. 


Anywho, Marianne has a new book that is causing people to once again understand her power of touching people. The book is called, A Course in Weightloss. Sounds good, if you ask me.


What I'm learning from Marianne is to sit back and trust the process. But do your part, i.e prayer and meditation. 


If she is ever in your town, do yourself a favor and see her live. She's feisty and on point!

To Love...

I am filled to the brim with love at the moment. Nothing special has happened, yet everything special has happened and love is overwhelming me. A Course In Miracles teaches that in every relationship, in every moment, we teach either love or fear. It's taken me a long time to fully grasp this. 


I had to learn that experiencing is, in fact teaching. You get what you give. I used to bathe in fear. I would immerse myself in it and spread it without realizing what the hell I was doing! But when I am conscious and in control of my ego, I see fear for what it is and MAKE it stand down. It takes work, but the aftereffects are AMAZING! It's been a wonderful coming -to-know oneself. 


Now back to love...


Have you ever had this feeling? Where joy seeps through your pours leaving you breathless and grateful beyond recognition? I couldn't speak to this a year ago. 


A year ago I was sad and struggling to grasp an outside version of love. But today... today I see Gods beauty, I feel Gods whisper and I know love like never before. Most of all, I know that I am love.


I'm trying to not hold onto this feeling, instead to appreciate the moment because it's good and it's contagious.




To love...

Suffering

When does it end? Don't we wish we could simply close the door, turn the light switch off and suffering would disappear?  Do you think suffering is a choice? Maybe an addiction? We walk through the streets and see so many people suffering, in pain, unaware and lost. Even those that are smiling, they too suffer. They simply know when to reveal it. Or maybe not.


Maybe they never reveal their suffering, even to themselves. Drug addicts don't see themselves as suffering. Neither do sex addicts or alcoholics. Hell, even shopaholics don't think it should be called suffering. 


Don't you wish everyone was like you? That everyone would simply suffer, admit it, go through the pain, then Poof it's over? Because of course that's how you approach it, right? 


***That's me being cheeky here.***


I know not how to get through the suffering stage of life. I know that we simply have to trust _____ (insert whatever or whomever  you want here-but I'll trust God) and believe in the power of the process.

Goodbye Twenty-Ten

To the year that gave us the ultimate tongue twister

To the year that forced me to finally open my eyes

To the year that left me with more truth than I could imagine

To the year of finding my voice and making it known

To the year of loosing close friends and remembering closer ones

To the year of going through the fire and landing on the clouds

To the year of falling in love with nature

To the year of ripping the bandage off the ego

To the year of falling in love with self

To the reality that with another way of learning

I would still be lost

I raise my glass to 2010

To the reality that the rain only falls to make the Sun- Shine more beautiful