I recently came to a huge realization that I was jealous of someone. Jealousy is a human emotion we all instinctively experience at some point or another. It can take on varying degrees of severity. I realized that this emotion was preventing me from having a full experience. Once I admitted it, I began to analyze the subsequent feelings that followed.
I am the type of person that always reviews my behavior within an encounter, especially one where my emotions present themselves first. After having this conversation and revealing a truth that disappointed even me, the jealousy, the very emotion that I denied, grew. Like a rain-shower that became a thunderstorm, I started itching for validation (let's say my ego started itching for validation). The jealous feeling created disappointing stories and scenarios in my head. I could feel the darkness pushing me into the abyss. I found myself dealing more with the conversation after the actual conversation happened. I asked myself many questions...
"Why do I feel this way?"
"What brought me to this point?"
"Are these feelings valid?"
In an effort to sleep well and let go, I decided to journal about it and invite the jealousy in. For a few hours, I sat with it, examined the many scenarios that drew this conclusion and observed those involved, what was said and how I reacted to them. I have always been a proponent that Actions Speak Louder Than Words. If you examine what someone says versus what they do, you'll definitely see that this is true. I asked myself, how I can live for love, speak of love yet hoard such conflicting feelings? I wanted to know why, given all of the work that I've done on myself, this same feeling/ action/ person caused me to stir. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PERFECT ME THAT I BECAME? (THAT WAS MEANT TO MAKE YOU LAUGH, DEAR READER).
And then it hit me.
And then it hit me.
My jealousy was not jealousy at all. We are always living in a place of Love or Fear (another statement I truly believe). Where the jealousy was concerned, I was living in fear; afraid that this person had something I didn't caused me to respond in anger every time the name was mentioned. I've found that jealousy is often a denial of truth. This was certainly true in my case. Remember that quote "Don't make someone your priority when you are only their option?" This lends itself to the source of my feelings.
You see, dear reader, I was an option in someones life while it was very clear that the source of my jealousy was a priority. People do what they want to do and I had to accept that I was not the priority. My ego was bruised. Admitting something that I've known for quite some time was difficult to disseminate but each day it became evident that fighting was a loosing battle. More importantly, there really is no reason to be jealous.
Everyone isn't meant to be who you want them to be and as sad as it is, some people prefer the company of others over you. Yeah, tough pill, I know. But growing up is all about lessons and letting go. With this experience I learned a valuable lesson about myself, one I had been working on for the past year or so: choose Love and allow God to lead the way. I can't say that I totally got over the jealous feelings. It's a constant work in progress. But I am confident that with God and continued self-Love this feeling will soon be another lesson to share in my book of how I got over. I can't wait!