The Wake-Up Call

At different times in my life, I've seen myself in different ways. I've been a daughter, friend, student, girlfriend, executive, artist, vegetarian, writer, personal trainer, spin instructor, painter...yet my self is much more than the roles I've played.

Self: A persons essential being that distinguishes them from others, esp. considered as the object of introspection or reflexive action.

I would like to add truth, spirit and Universal alignment to this definition. Divine guidance and the understanding of what brings me joy and makes my heart patter all exemplify the true nature of ones persona. 

So what happens when we deny self? Most of us aren't taught to celebrate and nurture ourselves. Instead, we are taught to sacrifice ourselves for the sake of others. We are encouraged to conform. How many times, as a child did you hear, "Don't be so selfish?" It becomes engrained in our psyche and this is how we lead our lives; putting everyone above ourselves, making everyone comfortable except ourselves, and fulfilling the needs of others before ourselves. Many of us have internal beliefs of not being good enough, or deserving. I know I certainly have.

Today, I'm finally heading the wake-up call that's been present in my life for quite some time. It took the fibroids (and the subsequent surgery then recovery) for the message to finally hit. I've been on a self-destructive path for a long time. The self-destructive behavior has expanded as had the fibroid symptoms. 

Marianne Williamson, in her eloquence, has a wonderful way of stating that all areas of your life are connected: jobs, relationship concerns and health. That was certainly the case for me. I was holding onto a relationship that had, long- ago become self-destructive. Work was OK, but not what I desired to wake up to everyday. I would walk around appearing to be joyous, yet fear was ruling my every moment. 

Many studies have been performed on fibroids and one doctor in particular sums it up so honestly. I feel that he was using my life as an example. Here's what he stated, 

"the baseline energetic pattern which results in fibroids are related to blockage and stagnation of the energy of the second emotional center. Woman are at risk for fibroids (or other pelvic problems) when we direct our creative energy into dead-end relationships that we have outgrown."  

Given that 20-50% of woman in the US have fibroids (and more if we include other pelvic problems) a lot of creative energy is being blocked and misdirected. Yet most of us don't have the support to explore this energetic component to make changes in our lives which honor us. We are busy taking care of others or "trying" to make this or that relationship work, in spite of ourselves. We don't give life to our creations because we have been taught that it is selfish to take care of ourselves. Unfortunately, we don't have support in listening to our inner guidance and honor our DIVINE selves. 
Louis Hay says fibroids and other female problems can be caused by "denial of the self".

Many of us don't know any other way. Self-denial has been accepted and passed down through generations. It takes courage to go against the norm and start to honour and nurture ourselves. 

My denial continued even as the messages grew louder. I didn't decide to make (or accept) the changes in my life until I had no other choice. My choice for the future? Listen to the messages. Nurture myself and be true to myself. This is a new path, one I have not traveled before. Although old fears and beliefs will try to drag me back into my old ways of denial, I am committed to learn ways of releasing the old fears and finding ways to support my choice to honor myself. 

Most of us don't realize we have so many of the same pains, doubts and fears. We have no one in our lives that is completely honest with us, even when it doesn't feel good to hear what they are saying. Good friends don't co-sign your Bullshit. Good friends call you on your shit, encouraging you to be better. 

When the feelings of aloneness reappear- as they certainly will- it is my hope that we find someone to share with and reflect to us our true selves. It is my hope to find a new way of being in the world, leaving a legacy of honor instead of denial. 

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