This year I decided to change my life. I know, it sounds dramatic, but truly, I did. Actually, I began this process last year when I was forced to take a long, hard look at my emotions. What came up was enough to make the Ugly cry last for days. It was a hell-of -a glare. Things appeared that I wanted to push aside, stomp on and never face again. But I persisted. It was the toughest year of my life because it consisted of me facing ME. No pointing the finger and blaming.
As I've mentioned before, books such as Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth and Pema Chodron with her wonderful, The Places The Scare You changed my life. Wow, just thinking back on my time spent growing with these books draws up a bucket of emotions. I can honestly say that I was in a dark, dark place. Ironically, I didn't NOT want to be there. I spent many days in an emotional tailspin, couldn't gain control, yet obtaining full control of my life.
I began to isolate myself from people. Friends that I had spoken with everyday had to take a backseat to my evolution. Some relationships suffered and I so badly wanted to reach out with the, "It's not you, it's me" resolve. But even this involved a strength that I could only reserve for my personal well-being. Like a scene from the great movie, Groundhogs Day, I would go from work to my apartment with no outside fun in between. I found out about my fibroid on December 30. This was also the day I decided, after years of vacillating between blonde and brown to color my hair dark. AND I LOVED IT. Finally!
I know that I jumped from an deep tirade to talk of my hair, but I slowly learned that the confusion I was experiencing internally was reflected externally
Both (the hair discovery and the fibroid discovery) were a relief for me because the hair I had been struggling with since chopping it off on a whim in 2009 - the crazy things we women do. The fibroid because it gave me an excuse to have an excuse for my overwhelming emotions.
Along came 2011 and with it, a new determination. I picked up a few more classes, met some really cool people who enjoy the music and the workout, started to really focus on my health (I'm determined to walk into surgery 10 lbs lighter and I'm 2 lbs away) and most importantly, I recognized the value of Life and my place in it. A few friends came back around, many didn't and some BETTER NOT! Most importantly, I started to fall in love with myself. And that my friends, is worth all of the tears and pain.