Mumbles and Rambles

I had a nice chat over a latte with a good friend today and our conversation took on a subtle, yet powerful theme. You know that Maya Angelou quote:

"You teach people how to treat you"? 

Well this was the topic of our conversation and it caused me to ponder another question...

Isn't it liberating when we no longer have to struggle to be heard? 

I, for a long time yearned to be heard, be seen, be understood. I went through a period where I couldn't get enough of myself. Only to wake up one day and regurgitate over too much of me.  Suddenly, I dived into an abyss and begin hiding from myself (and everyone else). As I came up for air and began dusting off the rubble, I discovered that the need to be known was the barrier preventing me from living.

I know this is weird to some of you and I'm likely doing my usual and speaking in tongues to NOT reveal too much information about me. But that's it exactly...

I put myself out there soo much, be it with the bright-azz hair, on FB, my website, or other sites I frequented that I got tired of seeing & hearing me. Or seeing and hearing the me that I wanted everyone to believe. Quite honestly, soo many people thinking they knew so much about me began to creep me out. Hell, I'm just now discovering me...they knew the facade. But it was my fault, I was an "over-sharer".

But here, in this space, things are more intimate. I haven't (nor do I intend to) share this website with many. If you are reading this, it's because I gave you the link and trust you. Or, you googled something like, say... Zero 7 -Throw It All Away and this is where you've landed. Welcome. Nice to NOT know ya. Ha.

If you'll notice, I never use my name or link it to anyone else's. I just want a space where you can pop in and see things that might interest you. All the juicy details, I'll share over tea or sushi.

So to my initial point (and I do have one):

When I began setting the standard for my life, things changed. Or, people changed. Some either stopped reaching out (actually most stopped reaching out) and some embraced the difference. I've had more than enough confrontational conversations over the past few months and ironically, anyone not in a place to respect me... was simply ignored. I stopped trying so hard. This last point being the biggest change in me. I used to NEVER stop. It's still difficult. But when I think about protecting myself, I automatically go into ignore-ville and realize that true friendships sustain time, distance and space. Pour example: i've had the same 2 best friends since I was 7 & 14 years old and they always have my back, no matter what my emotions are experiencing. That's a blessing. 

Recently, I've had face-to-face time with two of the ex's. That's a biggie for me as "ex" is always difficult to shake. But all anger dissolves, if you allow it. I think I was less worried about the anger yet more concerned with the desire. This too dissolves, thank GOD!

As much as I may miss someone and desire to see them or speak to them, I now know when to stop giving. The good thing, the wonderful thing about life...is that they are on my mind and I send them kisses and prayers in the wind. 

Sidebar:: my surgery is scheduled for next month. I'll be out of work for 6 weeks. Out of "work- work" is okay but not being able to spin sucks!

(That's me being the over-sharer again)

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