This is a Buddhist proverb and the current state of my life. I've always considered myself a spiritual being. After all, I grew up in church, try to abide by positive morals, pray often and believe in a higher power. Although, I now see that power as being within versus a huge, pie in the sky savior. It wasn't until recently that I realized I wasn't truly open. I've been living in fear and behind a tall, immovable, concrete, self- created wall. I lived with my cousins: judgement, envy and shame, while a host of other pessimistic relatives became my course Du jour. The truth of who I really am was overthrown by an ego that kicked back, sipped a cocktail and infiltrated the core of my being. And, get this, I ALLOWED I!
I had to become emotionally bankrupt before I took stock of MY position in MY LIFE. I began walking through life understanding that I have everything within, instead of waiting for my gift to land in my lap. But I didn't do any of it alone.
During the above mentioned meltdown, I was afraid and courageous enough to drag myself out of my crawl-space and with vulnerability in my soul, reveal the truth. The truth that I needed help and WANTED TO BE BETTER! I shared it with a friend who became my personal therapist. Initially, I was afraid to talk to anyone. Not for fear of being found out, but because I assumed my "stuff" was too much on anyone. Who wants to hear the story of a damn- near 40 -year old woman holding onto her childhood issues? But with the confidence and UNawareness of a horse jockey, I exposed myself and welcomed whatever critique would come my way. What I received was more than a simple trot, my mind began to see things that my eyes were too afraid to view. I became witness to the pain I inflicted in each of my relationships and how running from valley through stream, across rivers and underground only compounded my ingrained sense of fear.
Paulo Coelho has a quote in The Alchemist, "When you are ready for something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it." How true. As I began to expose myself, I would engage in conversation after conversation with random people who (unaware) would tell me their story. As I listened, I heard them speaking about me. It was all unsolicited, they were telling me their story and their story was akin to, if not identical to my story. It was as if I was looking in a mirror. I would listen and give an internal signal to the Universe that said, "I hear you... I HEAR ME!"
Ironically, with most of these examples, I was able to provide opposing feedback to the individual. I was able to share the view of the perceived victim instead of simply side with the perpetrator standing before me.
It has been a wonderful journey. I'm not quite beyond my fears, insecurity issues or defensive roadblocks. But I'm closer than ever, simply because I decided Enough and the Universe had my back. As usual!