I've spent an unmentionable amount of time hiding from myself, which in turn, involves me hiding from others. The hiding transferred to my physical appearance from cutting my hair to completely changing my attire. I used to rock the huge, blond fro' pictured above. It was a showstopper. In fact, people would see me walking on the street and later run into me at an event and inevitably I'd get, "Hey , I saw you walking down ____ boulevard the other day." I mean, look at it... It was pure Hollywood. And I loved it! Sure there were bad hair days, but overall, I dug my hair (and truthfully the attention as well). But then...
There's always a "but then" isn't there?
I met someone and the hiding began. I didn't see it as hiding. I thought that I was changing to be more attractive to this person. Full. Disclosure. Real. Talk. Here. People. Don't. Judge.
So what did I do? I cut my hair off because I thought this person would desire me more if I had short hair. It backfired. I started losing myself. Along with the short hair, I changed my style. Suddenly fashion escaped me. I literally became my mom. Dressing like her and everything. And it doesn't mater how old your Mom is, no one wants to dress like their mom (unless she was Coco Chanel- and Coco didn't have any kids). I recall excusing my behavior with statements such as, "I just got tired of the attention."
Oh Really Michael Vick? Black girl with blond hair in L.A. is overwhelmed with the attention. (Violins, please)
Truthfully, I was trying to prove a point. Trying to be someone I thought was desired. That's the magic word...trying. Through trying so hard, I lost site of BEing.
I often mention it in this space, but love is about the now. BEing exactly who you are. Scrapping with trying, I missed the moments, as thoughtful as they were. My evolution had less to do with someone else and more to do with my personal acceptance. That previous relationship took a huge toll, but what I uncovered made the relationship worth every argument, tear and mean-word shared. It's true, I had to fall in order to rise.
Today, my life is vastly different than a year ago. The hair is back...kinda-sorta. I'm happy to rock dark hair now. I'm actually creatively wearing items in my closet that I long ago dismissed (thank God I didn't give them away-something that's pretty common for me). Most importantly, I'm honoring myself.
There are moments when yes, I am attracted to someone. But I'm not about to overhaul my life and appearance to get them to be attracted to me. This is what growth is about. You accept yourself as is and the 'who gives a f**k' thought-process reigns. I'm also learning to use my voice.
So often I would silence myself to keep the peace while exploding internally.
A person very close to me calls it the Total Recall syndrome. Remember that scene where the robot/person is frantically shaking and trying to get something out but holding it in? Yeah that was me. Damn fool! I've learned that you can speak about anything to anyone when you come from a place of love. There are a few people in my life that I trust to discuss my heart with, knowing they will not judge me. Ironically I've always had these people, yet I couldn't bring myself to trust my own vulnerability. Glad they saw through this and helped me go there.
I came to understand that emotional pain was a sign that something wasn't working within. Let's be real, it's all a reaction to what's inside. I welcome conversations that'll allow me to grow. I don't hide from the world or myself anymore. I honor the star that I was born to exude and I Love, Love talking to people. Yup. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.