I'd like to get to the point where I just don't care. But do I really? Do I want to become cold and callus; hardened by life's mishaps and the subconscious lack of compassion from those closest to me? Just today, I had to make a decision that I knew would possibly hurt someone. I agonized over this choice yet, I knew that to enjoy myself fully, I had to choose myself first. And so I did. The reaction I received was one of bewildered-content. And because we are habitual beings, I almost withdrew my personal decision. But I didn't. My mantra (at least for the moment) was "I have to do what I want to do." It wasn't simple and I was uneasy with my decision. But I am aware that this is what honoring self feels like. Sometimes you have to disappoint people. The blessing comes with trusting (and knowing) that they will be fine.
I've always lived in the black and white. Only recently did I realize that most of the world exists in grey - with a few slivers of rainbow interspersed. Choosing myself, was my rainbow moment.